To my firstborn,
You and I celebrated Mother’s Day for the very first time together since you’ve been born. To be honest, the actual day was quite stressful for me – you woke up much earlier than usual; you refused to nap without being held; and getting our family ready for church felt like I was performing at a circus where I was doing different acts simultaneously. And it wasn’t until your Papa and I put you down to bed that night that I was able to finally get rest and reflect on how much being a mother – your mother – has meant so much to me so far.
I will remember the times that your Papa and I would relax with you on our couch while you were still inside my belly. You especially loved watching basketball – I knew because I felt you move around so much whenever we were watching a game.
I will remember the baby showers we had with friends and family as we excitedly awaited your arrival.
I will remember the way I looked and felt while you were still in my belly (even to this day I tell your Papa how I miss feeling your kicks and movements in my womb).
I will remember the relief your Papa and I had once we were finally able to hold you (with 12hrs of labor that included 2hrs of pushing and an emergency C-section).
I will remember your first smile just a day after you were born. OK, it was very likely just because of gas but that smile was always something we’ll remember ❤
I will remember how you would babble while breastfeeding and how you would just lean your head back all the way (and literally pass out to sleep) to let me know once you’ve had your fill.
I will remember the times when you were still small enough so we can still swaddle you up and have you sleep in your bassinet (and the times you would wake up so giddily from your naps).
I will remember the random morning babbles you would have with your papa as if you were understanding each other completely.
I will remember when you and your Papa came with me at my last day of work since I decided to become a stay-at-home mom.
I will remember how you would play with your toys while sitting up by yourself on the ground, and how you would often still look back at me to make sure that I’m always within your reach.
I will remember how focused you can be while watching Inside Out. (And similarly, how you love watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood). Fortunately we really like the movie too so we haven’t gotten sick and tired of watching it with you – not just yet anyway.
I will remember the baldness in the back of your head from sleeping in almost the same position every night (slowly but surely, you’ve started to grow some hair there again =P).
I will remember how you always were interested in what your Papa was doing while he was on the computer, so he would end up having to hold you while working.
I will remember how even though you started sleeping through the night, I would still often wake up at night to check on the monitor and make sure you were ok and still breathing. (And then I would stare for awhile thinking about how much you’ve grown).
I will remember the laughfests you’d have every night before we put you down for bed.
I will remember the grunt noises or blank gazes you’d make while you’re pooping =P
I will remember how you would softly pull at your own hair while you’re enjoying being breastfed.
I will remember how you would tap your little hands and bounce yourself whenever you’re seeing/doing something that makes you happy.
I will remember how you liked to be rocked rhythmically and how you oddly enjoyed grunting along when we’re holding you while doing squat movements.
I will remember how you somehow enjoy eating my face.
I will remember how alert you get once you hear noise from our front door – it’s as if you know that it means your Papa’s home.
I will remember how you would smack your lips and how you would just randomly make clicking sounds with your mouth.
I will remember how you enjoy being read to and how much attention you give to the pictures and the words being said aloud.
I will remember the nights I’ve complained and cried because you wanted to be nursed around the clock. Yet now that you no longer need to be nursed at night, I miss those special moments I’d have with you during those sleepless nights.
I will remember the times I’ve felt so frustrated because you always wanted to be held/carried so that you can go to sleep. But I know I’ll miss it once you learn how to walk – and I’ll end up longing for those moments you’d want to snuggle with me.
Yet even through those times I’ve failed being a good mom to you – because I’ve lost my cool or just couldn’t find it enough in me to muster up the strength to be more patient with you – you forgive me and still want to be with me. I will remember those times where I’ve ended up putting you down so I can regain my composure/sanity (but it means you end up crying for awhile) – and once I come back for you, you instantly look up at me and shift your body towards my direction as you long to be held again by me – me who was the reason you were crying just seconds ago. I will remember how snug and perfectly you fit into my arms – the place where you seem to feel safest and most at peace in this whole world. And I will remember your gaze that instantly lets me know that I am so much loved and adored by you. That somehow, despite my insecurities and doubt, perhaps I’m doing just fine being a mother to you.
So you see, though you’ve only been in this world for seven months, you’ve already given me these wonderful memories – and so much more – that could last me a lifetime and you’ve taught me so much, not just in being a mom but as a person. By being your mom you’ve inspired me to be braver, stronger, more patient, more relentless, more grateful, and more loving than I thought I could ever be. You’ve taught me to be more grateful for each day that I get to have in this world, to pause more and to be more thankful for the simple things in life. You’ve challenged me to be more. To be more than who I was before you came into our life. And being your mom has made me experience in a deeper way the vastness and intensity of God’s love for me as His child. (And I pray that one day when you’re older, you too will come to a personal decision to taste and experience His love for yourself).
So on this first Mother’s Day we had together, I am overwhelmed with emotions (honestly that’s why this post has been so delayed – every time I would try to write more, I just end up getting teary). I am very thankful that God has called me to be a mother to you. Being your mama has made my heart bigger and fuller. I love you, my selfie buddy ❤